Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
