You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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