He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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