So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
