He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
