i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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