nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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