I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dear god my vagina.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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