I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
