Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
