To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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