i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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