So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
