Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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