bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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