Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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