it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
