so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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