Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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