I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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