Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
