is your mom at the bar?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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