So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Drunk is not a location!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
