On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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