my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
