It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
