Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
