FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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