Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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