How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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