At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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