i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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