Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
