taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
