Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
