I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
