My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
