Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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