new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
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