Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
