i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
