Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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