so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
