Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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