I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
