apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
