the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
