My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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