Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
