She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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