life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You ruined the universe
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
