shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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