matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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