If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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