If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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