you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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