I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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