Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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